


For A Mother's Love

by TeamKalinda



Series: A Year of Very Kalicia Holidays [5]
Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F, Holidays, Mother's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-10
Updated: 2012-05-10
Packaged: 2017-11-05 03:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamKalinda/pseuds/TeamKalinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kalinda is determined not to let the worst migraine she’s had in years put a damper on Alicia’s Mother’s Day. Meanwhile, Alicia is informed that her kids know more about her personal affairs than she’d realized. Misunderstood intentions lead to a familiar kind of frustration and Kalinda finds herself sharing more than she’d bargained for to try to alleviate the situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For A Mother's Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fifth in a series of 10 fics inspired by a holiday challenge. Each fic will give a holiday themed snap-shot of the evolving relationship between Alicia and Kalinda through the time span of one year.

Kalinda paused outside the door to Alicia’s apartment taking a slow deep breath to try to compose herself. It had been getting worse all day and nothing that usually helped had even taken the edge off this time. It hadn’t been this bad in years and she was out of practice with the little ways of hiding the symptoms. Alicia had noticed when they’d met to compare notes on a case they were working up for Diane. She had tried to get her to talk about it and when she’d resisted she’d given up – too easily. She knew Alicia was worried. And it had only gotten worse since then. 

She was off her game. When Diane had given her the final paperwork Alicia needed to prepare her case for Monday – making a knowing comment about how she figured she would be seeing her and wouldn’t mind passing it along – she hadn’t been able to come up with one legitimate reason why her hypothesis might be flawed. 

She had to drop it off tonight. Once the auras worked their way into a full blown migraine; she’d likely be incapacitated for days. Alicia couldn’t know the extent of it. It was Mother’s Day weekend. Her kids had planned a dinner and an array of other things that she had been looking forward to for weeks. Kalinda was not planning on taking away from that by being a continued source of concern. 

She closed her eyes for a moment trying to will the bright flashes of light and double vision she had been experiencing all day to remain bearable just a short while longer. She was beginning to lose the feeling in her hands, overcome with a pins and needles sensation. If past experience was any indication, she had about an hour before the pain hit her like a runaway locomotive. She could take the heavy duty medication once she got home, the drugs that caused as many problems as they solved and would turn her into a person Alicia wouldn’t even recognize, but she had to get home first. If she didn’t take the medication before the worst of the pain hit it was likely she’d end up in the ER and she didn’t consider that an option. 

The situation was uncomfortable from the moment Alicia opened the door. She offered her a drink but Kalinda declined saying she was tired and just wanted to get home. She knew better than to prolong this exchange. Eventually Alicia would work up the nerve to start questioning her again and there just weren’t any good answers that she was willing to provide. 

Suddenly Kalinda felt like she was going to be sick and it had nothing to do with what was going on inside her head. It was true that she’d be fine; she knew she would. She’d been through this more times than she cared to remember, but she was far from fine at the moment. She just wanted to spare Alicia the stress and frustration. There was nothing she could do. 

She hadn’t considered it being untruthful until she saw the expression on Alicia’s face. It had been a long time since she’d looked at her with that specific combination of hurt and sadness that she’d never quite mastered the ability to mask. That’s what it looked like when Alicia took her evasiveness personally. 

This relationship – Alicia – meant more to Kalinda than anything else ever had. The type of need and dependency those kinds of feelings had a tendency to lead to terrified her when she thought about it. So, she tried not to, tried instead to stay in the moment, appreciating every second for exactly what it was. In this particular moment, as zig-zag lines danced across her field of vision and the left side of her face took on a participatory sympathy for the tingling sensation in her hands, there was nothing she desired more than to have Alicia comfort her. But she would never ever allow herself to admit something of the sort, and her healthy mind had made a conscious decision not to be a burden this weekend. There was to be no argument over that. 

Alicia’s touch caught her off guard. She actually heard herself gasp as Alicia put her arms around her. 

“I can’t read your mind,” she said softly. “And quite honestly, I’m grateful for that most of the time, but if you need something, anything, all you have to do is ask. You know that.” Kalinda nodded. 

Then Alicia was kissing her, tentatively at first and then deeper, more passionately as Kalinda gave up her endeavor to hold back the hungry desperation her lover’s soothing touch brought forth. 

Nothing short of the full color fireworks show suddenly performing in front of her eyes would have made Kalinda pull away. It was a final warning sign. Things were progressing much more quickly than she had anticipated. The next thing to explode in her head would be incapacitating pain. She had to get home. 

She took a small step backwards, drawing upon every ounce of willpower she had to try to muster a convincing smile. 

“Goodnight, Alicia.” 

 

****

 

Alicia had never seen Kalinda looks so terrible. There had been no question in her mind, especially after what she’d seen Friday night, that Kalinda had been unwell, but she had never imagined anything like this. She drew a sharp breath as all of the frustration and self righteous indignation she’d been distracted by all day seemed to melt away, replaced with an overwhelming feeling of concern and a desire to somehow make it better. 

Kalinda’s bold presence, her sharp wit and the way she carried herself had always more than compensated for her small stature, but now she seemed meek, frail. The absolute worst aspect was the flat affect and deep, encompassing fatigue in her eyes. Kalinda’s eyes were one of her most beautiful features. When all else failed, Alicia had learned to gauge, just by looking into those warm depths, how much Kalinda was struggling at any given moment, and just how hard she could press to try to find out why. But now her expression was vacant, that familiar light all but extinguished. It made her heart ache in a way she had been completely unprepared for. 

“Thank you for coming.” 

Even Kalinda’s voice sounded weak and did nothing for Alicia’s already failing attempts to remember how upset she had been that morning when a 10-word text message had been the only indication she’d received that her girlfriend was going to be missing work. At least Will had gotten a voicemail, regardless of the fact that he was her boss and however brief and lacking in details he had seemed to feel the need to lament that it was. Later on, when Diane had expressed concern as it was very unlike Kalinda to take a sick day; Alicia had felt like an idiot having nothing further to offer. 

She had seriously considered calling Kalinda during the 15 minutes she’d managed to salvage for a makeshift lunch at the café across the street from the court house. She had so much she wanted to tell her. But she’s been angry…and worried – and angry that she was worried. She’d known something was wrong, but she’d thought it best, given the way Kalinda had been acting, to respect her privacy. It hadn’t even crossed her mind that it could be something so serious she would end up missing work 2 days later. Especially without telling her what was going on – she’d thought, through everything, their trust was at least that deep. 

Alicia made a constant effort to accept Kalinda’s need to keep some things to herself, and she did this, for the most part, while simultaneously trying not to insert too many of her own feelings into the equation. That’s just who Kalinda was and how she got through the days. Still, it was undeniably upsetting to see her going through something difficult without being able to even try to help. And this; this hurt. The thought that her lover hadn’t felt comfortable turning to her in a real time of need; how could she not take that personally? 

“You really wanted to see me?” Alicia asked, “Because you certainly have an odd way of reaching out.” 

Kalinda took a step towards her and before Alicia realized what was happening, she was clutching her arm trying to catch her balance. She instinctively pulled her close to steady her. 

“What’s wrong, Kalinda?” she demanded, her voice saturated with all of the conflicted emotions she was feeling. “What’s going on?” 

“I’m just a little dizzy.” 

Alicia took a deep breath and shook her head. It didn’t matter how much she loved Kalinda, and she did love her, she hadn’t said it out loud yet, but she knew it was true. She wouldn’t put up with this kind of frustration from someone she didn’t love; sometimes it was like trying to forge an emotional connection with a brick wall. 

Kalinda swallowed hard as she seemed to realize that she was going to need to say something more. 

“I had a migraine – a really bad migraine, but it passed. I’m just tired now…and a little unsteady from the medication.” 

“You need to lie down,” Alicia said, making a conscious choice to focus on the immediate present rather than anything that had already happened which she couldn’t do anything about. 

Kalinda didn’t object as Alicia put her arm around her and led her to the bedroom. The bed had been stripped down to a single sheet covering the mattress. The nightstand was littered with prescription bottles and several ominous looking syringes. Kalinda lay down, pulling her knees to her chest. Alicia sat down next to her. 

“What can I do?” She asked softly, smoothing Kalinda’s hair as she watched her struggle against the exhaustion threatening to take over. 

“I feel better just having you close.” 

Alicia smiled sympathetically, doing her best not to overreact to the sudden, forceful tug on her heartstrings. She had no doubt that Kalinda cared about her every way she knew how, but it was rare to hear her express it in this manner. 

“Do you want a blanket?” Kalinda shook her head. 

“I get so hot…my body feels like it’s on fire.” 

Alicia gently touched Kalinda’s face the way that always seemed to soothe her when she was upset. She was rewarded with a weak smile and a contented sigh. 

“Close your eyes,” Alicia instructed. “Everything is alright now.” 

 

****

 

Kalinda’s eyes fluttered open slowly and as she blinked away the drowsiness of a deep sleep, she noticed an out of place shadow moving across the wall. She tensed instinctively, but Alicia’s voice was comforting her before the full extent of her somewhat sluggish panic response could kick in. 

“It’s alright, you’re okay.” 

Alicia’s fingertips were cool and familiar across her cheek as she joined her on the bed. 

“You stayed…” 

“Of course I did. I’ll always be here for you when you need me. …if you let me.” 

Kalinda sighed as Alicia moved closer, stroking her arm. It was an indescribable kind of reassurance to be touched by someone whose only immediate agenda was making her feel secure. She didn’t know if she’d ever get used to the way Alicia seemed to genuinely care for her in a manner no one else in her life ever had. 

“What time is it?” 

“It’s late. You were asleep for a long time.” 

Kalinda seemed to almost recall resisting Alicia’s attempts to wake her. She had been insistent, saying something about dehydration, and only left her in peace after she’d taken a few sips of water. This may or may not have happened several times. 

“I’m feeling better.” 

“I can tell,” Alicia said, obvious relief coloring her expression. “I’m glad.” 

Kalinda was still tired. She knew the residual fatigue might go on for days, but it wasn’t anything compared to what she’d been through. Her body felt lighter, almost as if the crushing agony that had pervaded her weekend had a physical weight that had finally, mercifully been lifted from her. Every breath she took that wasn’t precipitated by the kind of pain that made her wish for death was a palpable relief. 

“I’m sorry I lied to you. On Friday, when I told you I was fine, I knew you knew I wasn’t.” 

“I just don’t know what to do with you sometimes,” Alicia said, frowning slightly. “I know you’ve tried to open up to me. I respect you, Kalinda. I understand that when you hold back you have your reasons and I don’t want to be responsible for making things harder for you. I just…”

Alicia sighed and looked away. She was even more upset than Kalinda had thought she might be, though, honestly, she hadn’t been able to think about it much after things had gotten away from her. She felt a knot of anxiety forming in her stomach and was grateful Alicia had averted her eyes when she failed to control the automatic grimace that came over her face in response to her muscles’ protest of the new tension. Her abdomen was still very sore. She vaguely remembered lying on the floor of her shower in the pitch black bathroom; using all the strength she had left to will herself not to cry as that only made it worse, desperate either for the antiemetics to kick in to stop the relentless heaving, or for her life to end. At that point, either would have been acceptable. There was just no way she could have allowed Alicia to see her like that. 

“You’re good to me, Kalinda,” Alicia said, a myriad of emotions washing over her face. “You go out of your way for me all the time. You always have. I just want a fighting chance of doing the same.” 

Kalinda knew there was nothing she could say that would accurately convey what she was feeling. Instead, she simply nodded, squeezing Alicia’s hand. She was relieved when Alicia offered her a small smile and seemed to relax a bit, indicating the sentiment had been received. 

“Tell me about your Mother’s Day,” Kalinda said a moment later, eager both to turn the topic of conversation away from herself and to give Alicia something more pleasant to talk about.

“I’m not sure you’d believe me even if I did.” Kalinda raised up onto her elbow so that she could study Alicia’s face carefully. 

“Did something happen?” 

“You could say that,” Alicia said, shifting her weight to accommodate the new position. Then she shook her head sadly. 

“You always assume that it’s something bad.” Alicia ran the pad of her thumb over Kalinda’s worried brow, smoothing away the signs of stress. 

“It usually is,” Kalinda said indignantly. 

Alicia smiled sadly, shaking her head again. 

“Clearly your migraine trigger is a complete mystery. It’s not as if there’s an inordinate amount of stress in your life or anything.” 

“I lost my mother when I was very young, Alicia,” Kalinda said softly. 

Just speaking the words aloud made her nauseous and set her nerves on edge. There were things that had happened – things that she almost couldn’t bear to think about – and the loss of her mother had always been, in her mind, when it all started to fall apart. She had tried so hard to distance herself from those events that even though she was aware that she continued to be influenced by her experiences; it was difficult to relate to the woman that had experienced them, especially when she looked at Alicia - Alicia who made her more genuinely happy than she’d ever been and tried so diligently and consistently to make her feel safe. She couldn’t deny that deep down she was the same person, but it was two different worlds, two different languages without any form of direct translation. Yet she knew she owed Alicia something, some kind of explanation for the actions she’d taken that had so unintentionally caused her pain, and nothing but the truth would suffice. 

“It’s not something I talk about,” she pressed on. “I don’t even think about it often. And you probably think this is beyond me, but I can see how much your kids mean to you. You’re a wonderful mother and they’re so lucky to have you. I just wanted your holiday to be everything you wanted it to be.”

“I don’t think anything is beyond you,” Alicia said, frowning. 

It was clear she’d been caught off guard by the sudden divulge of information and was having almost as much difficulty processing it as Kalinda was sharing it. As she pieced together the misunderstandings of the past weekend and the current silence between them stretched on, it seemed more and more as if Alicia might cry, but then she cleared her throat and spoke again. 

“Also, that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.” 

Kalinda smiled and slowly let out the breath she’d been holding. It was true that Alicia was often so grateful to have her share something, anything, about herself that she rarely asked for more than what she’d been given, but it was still a relief every time they each managed to once again play their roles successfully.

“So,” Kalinda said after a long moment. “Something good happened to you on Mother’s Day and I want to hear about it.” 

A thoughtful expression came over Alicia’s face as she took a moment to recall all of the details before she spoke. 

“It was wonderful just to spend time with the kids,” she began. “With work and school I sometimes feel like I hardly ever see them anymore and they’ve reached that point where they’re growing up so fast. I worry about the day they won’t need me anymore, for anything, and it was just so nice to sort of hit pause and get to know them again after all they’ve been through the last few years. We’ve never done Mother’s Day this way and it was their idea so it meant that much more.” 

Kalinda nodded, encouraging her to continue. 

“They cooked me an amazing dinner. Zach bought me flowers. Grace made my favorite scones.” 

“The lemon blueberry ones?” Kalinda asked. “Like the ones you stole for me the last time she made them and you told her Jackie took them?”

Alicia’s laughter rang out through the bedroom like the most beautiful chimes. 

“The very same.” 

“Those are amazing,” Kalinda added. “You need to send that girl to pastry school.” 

“A foreign school?” Alicia teased. “And the sooner the better?” 

“I didn’t say that,” Kalinda said, even though she knew Alicia was joking. 

“Anyway,” Alicia continued. “It was after dinner that they told me.” 

“Told you what?” Kalinda asked, making a true effort not to run through all the worst case scenarios in her mind. 

Alicia bit her lip thoughtfully as she tried to decide how to say what she needed to say; ultimately she seemed to decide that the blunt, direct approach was as good as any. 

“Grace saw us kissing Friday night.” 

Kalinda felt her chest begin to burn as the air in her lungs stopped moving. Alicia’s arms tightened around her, quelling the wave of dread just before it peaked. She’d known this was inevitable, but she’d hoped for a little more time. On some level she knew she’d always hope for just a little more time. 

“You seemed so out of sorts that I didn’t even give any thought to the fact that the kids were home,” Alicia explained. “I just wanted to make you feel better.” 

Kalinda tried her best to acknowledge this with an understanding smile, but the unexpected rise in blood pressure had caused a dull ache in her head. Her breathing had adjusted automatically – a defensive self soothing mechanism to calm her system before another migraine was triggered, something she was susceptible to in her weakened state but clearly couldn’t handle at this point. She could tell Alicia had noticed. She didn’t say anything, but the way she was touching her was suddenly different and there was a carefully measured concern in her eyes. 

“Apparently they’d thought there was something between us, anyway,” Alicia said. “This was just the confirmation. They said they’ve realized how happy you make me and they want me to be happy.” 

For a long time Kalinda had felt somewhat ashamed of how worried she was about the extent to which Alicia’s kids unknowingly wielded the power to take away the greatest joy in her life. She was less ashamed, albeit still confused, about the relief she felt regarding their acceptance. 

“Honestly, I was surprised, too,” Alicia said, interpreting her thoughts. “But they _are_ growing up and they’re good kids.” 

Kalinda didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to ruin the importance of sharing this moment by giving voice to the wrong thing so she remained silent, waiting for Alicia to continue. 

“Then,” Alicia said, picking up the cue, “In a continued display of her infinite wisdom; later that evening, Grace informed me that I shouldn’t ask you to move in, not because as Zach pointed out, they already have more than their fair share of adults in their lives that don’t know what to do with them, but because, apparently, that never works out well for Cristina on _Grey’s Anatomy_.” 

“Your daughter thinks I’m comparable to Cristina Yang?!” Kalinda asked, a mixture of both mock and actual horror filling her voice. “She’s not even one of the lesbians.” 

“You watch _Grey’s Anatomy_?” Alicia asked, a questioning smirk failing to cover her intrigue. 

“Oh God, Alicia. I thought you said you respected me.” 

As Alicia’s laughter filled the room again, Kalinda smiled a warm, genuine smile that felt good in a way she’d nearly forgotten. _This_ was the way things were supposed to be between them. 

“Therefore, in conclusion, your Honor,” Alicia said, smirking, the sudden formality of her tone made that much more ridiculous by the way her fingers were slowly tracing their way across Kalinda’s collarbone. “This Mother’s Day was the best I’ve ever had because my wonderful kids just want me to be happy and you, Ms. Sharma, you _are_ my happiness.” 

Kalinda leaned forward to kiss Alicia, but she pulled away. 

“Just one more thing,” Alicia said as Kalinda pretended to pout about having her advances resisted. “The next time you need me you’re going to tell me because the kids will understand and nothing else matters even a fraction as much. Alright?” 

Kalinda nodded, mentally resolving that the next time she felt vulnerable she would fight as hard as she could against the automatic urge to lock the entire world away. It wasn’t worth shutting Alicia out, even if it felt safer, even if she thought she was doing her a favor, if it might mean loosing her entirely. When she leaned forward again Alicia met her halfway and captured her lips in sweet, tender kiss. 

“You know,” Alicia said a few moments later, startling Kalinda out of the twilight slumber she had started to slip into, lying in her lover’s arms, listening to her heartbeat. “I’m really looking forward to Father’s Day.” 

Kalinda raised a curious eyebrow. 

“The kids will get to spend some quality time with Peter. And you; you will have my full and undivided attention. You can plan on it. Write it down in your little orange notebook, whatever you need to do.” 

“In which case,” Kalinda said, grinning mischievously, “I’m also looking forward to Father’s Day. …more than I ever imagined possible.


End file.
